((Takes place in a reality where 99% of Marvel's constant crisis crossovers never happened and nobody's character *coughHydraCapcough* was derailed..))

 

 

"That's just it," Steve Rogers said, squirming against the ropes that held him.  "We have no reason to fight the X-Men." 

 

 

"Our teams have gotten along for years," Cyclops said, scowling.  "You can't expect us to fight 'just because.'"

 

 

Mojo whined.  "But... the ratings!  The trade paperback sales!  The freaking PHOENIX returning of all things!" 

 

 

"It'd be nice to see Jean again," Cyclops said softly.  "Ever since Emma and I didn't work out..."  

 

 

Sam Wilson, the second of two Captain Americas imprisoned by the mad media mogul, just glared.  "We already talked it out.

 

 

"Damn it, I knew I should have invaded 616!" Mojo cursed.  "But nooo, the Mouse God is protecting it now..." He scuttled back and forth, thinking.

 

 

"...Can we go home now?  These ropes are starting to chafe," Ms. Marvel said, the young Muslim inhuman smiling weakly.

 

 

"Plus the power nullifiers are giving me a headache," Iceman said. 

 

 

"SHUT THE FUCK UP!" Mojo snarled.  Then he paused, a slow grin spreading over his face.  "Wait... fuck..."  

 

 

Uh oh, thought the horde of captured X-Men and Avengers.  

 

 

Mojo cackled madly.  "I can still salvage this!  Mojo TV Presents - Avengers versus X-Men: Fuck Wars!" 

 

 

"...WHAT," Magneto scowled.  

 

 

Mojo grinned viciously.  "You lot shall compete in contests of sexiness!  All Avengers past and present versus all X-Men past and present!  Whoever fucks their opponent unconscious wins!" 

 

 

"...You might take note of the fact that there's not an even number of women to go with the men," Psylocke said.  "Plus, not all of us are gay or bisexual." 

 

 

"Easily fixable!" Mojo laughed.  "Never really understood why you humans made such a big religious deal out of something that's purely biological... ANYWHO.  No more social commentary!  Tonight, we FUCK!" 

 

 

"And if we refuse?" Captain Marvel said, glaring.

 

 

Mojo just smiled, and pressed a button.  A TV screen appeared, showing Mars.  A large explosion later, one that was visible in the sky, and Mars ceased to exist. "Either you fuck each other silly, where I want you to do it, ON CAMERA, or I do that to EARTH.  You can ask Longshot, he knows what I'm capable of."  

 

 

The heroes all stared in horror.  Iron Man was in immediate contact with every space observation post he could think of, and they all confirmed it.  "Guys, he wasn't lying!  Every scientist on the planet is confirming it... Mars is GONE!"  

 

 

Longshot shivered.  "Damn you, Mojo..." 

 

 

Mojo just grinned, letting the insults and threats of the heroes rain down on him.  After they died down, Steve Rogers asked.  "...So it's tournament style?  Last person conscious is the winner?" 

 

 

Mojo nodded.  "Yes.  No fighting, but rough sex is allowed.  If you have issues like Rogue's I'll fix that.  I'll also provide food and drink and allow for rest.  I'll also make sure your various individual rogues galleries are otherwise occupied.  I don't want ANYONE interfering with my porno combat." 

 

 

"What does the winner get?" Cyclops asked.  

 

 

"Three wishes, no limits, so long as the wishes don't involve hurting me or thwarting me or removing me from power in any way, shape, or form," Mojo said.  "I found a Cosmic Cube that's good for like, four major uses.  The fourth will be a freebie, me undoing the destruction of Mars."  

 

THAT got everyone's attention.  Mojo, sensing this, let them go.  Everyone looked at each other, worried, and nodded.  

 

 

"We're in.  You've left us no choice, so we're in," Steve Rogers said.  Cyclops nodded.

 

 

"Wonderful," Mojo said.  "I've already got the first matchups set!" He pressed a few buttons, and teleported everyone away.  "BEHOLD THE FIRST ROUND OF AVENGERS VERSUS X-MEN: FUCK WARS!  LIGHTS!  CAMERA!  ACTION!"